I want to stick my p in your. b.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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