you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits