My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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