Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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