Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
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Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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