Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Bring me that man meat
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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