Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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