my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
