but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
