I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
