I'm so fucking centered right now
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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