Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
