I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
