saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
