I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
