I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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