My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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