i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
