Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
