Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.