and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
