god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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