If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
