glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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