I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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