My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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