she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
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I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
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I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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