Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The cops high fived after they tackled you
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
