I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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