also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
