Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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