No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
