Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize