meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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