And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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