i wish there were pregnant emoticons
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
