It was confusing and full of hummus
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
