i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
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Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
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Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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