he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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