i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
