Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
