Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
