Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
