i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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