News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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