shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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