Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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