nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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