i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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