I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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