I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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