Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
