I didn't shave. On purpose
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
