I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
