Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
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Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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