made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
only you would photoshop your dick
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
